ownership is the key

This past November my pastor gave me a book that he believed I needed to read, entitled Boundaries.

As I began to read it, I understood that his prescription was correct. I did need them, desperately. And because I did not have them, my life was not anything like what it could be.

This August, I bought the original Boundaries
book, the one that the authors originally wrote. I began reading the first chapter two weeks ago, and was not too interested, thinking to myself, “this is not going to read me and teach me like the last, I don’t even know if this is relevant to me.” So, I made the decision that I was just going to read the chapters that I felt were things I struggled with and found issues under.

Today, I decided to continue reading chapter 1, and when I finished the chapter in tears … I decided to continue.

It is me. Everything they are describing, it is me. Maybe I don’t have boundaries because I don’t want to hurt others, maybe it’s because I want to be appreciated and loved and feel like I need that from people around me, maybe it’s just my selfishness or maybe it is a reason that I haven’t discovered quite yet. But, I see all the pieces of my life that it has gradually made less than what Christ calls me to.

“God designed a world where we all live “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us” …

I think I have always had these tendencies. Because I was so easy-going as a kid, so shy and so willing to be a part of whatever … I just blurred the lines of what was me and what was “them.”

When my mom moved out, I think that is when it all clicked in, all my tendencies turned to reality. I took on everything as my own. Our house. Our “family.” Our educations. Our emotions. Even if I didn’t fulfill the role fully, I felt it all. I took on so much responsibility within my youth group and school, spending hours after school studying and doing everything under the moon for school functions and clubs. I was not seeing the boundaries necessary to live fully in Christ. I wasn’t recognizing the parameters of me.

“God designed a world where we all live “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.”

In a relationship I was recently in, I see the same failures. We were friends for 3 years before we started dating and have very similar prideful and stubborn personalities. With Christians, pride is especially dangerous, because we often become self-righteous. And when people sin around us, we fall into that role. I think I subconsciously lived that out to the T for the last 6 ½ years with this person. In this self-righteousness, I let go of the ownership I was to take of my own life and my sin-issues and decided I wanted to take ownership over his. It has led to many issues of sin within my own life … all starting with a lack of boundaries.

“God designed a world where we all live “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.”

I have fallen prey to not being firm in letting others know that I exist apart from them. I have all sorts of ideas why this may happen. But, it often causes me to act in vulnerability to another’s wishes. Or when others do not respect a boundary I put up, then I just give up and internalize it. (This happens in many areas of my life.)

When I see a problem, a gap, a failure … I want to fix those things. When I see a need, I want to be there. When I see pain, I am overwhelmed with empathy and want to serve. When people want to keep talking or stay longer, I rarely put my foot down. When I see people’s sin, I want to hold them to that immediately. These are good in God’s design. But, I believe strongly that I have not been living within that.

I also see clearly how I have not made firm boundaries for myself … that I often test others’ boundaries, not taking them seriously, and just disrespecting that. (This is often directly related to manipulation.)

I need to know what I am and what I am not.
I need to know where I end and where others begin.
I need to know what my responsibilities are and what are not.
I need to find the reasons why I often feel that since the things around me are out-of-control, that I am also.
I need to make choices and live intentionally, in recognition of where I am supposed to be and not supposed to be.

Ideas to focus on:
Matthew 7:6
Proverbs 13:18, 24
Galatians 6:7-8
Proverbs 15:10

Katie: Read page 42 (feelings)
Me: Read page 45-6 (values and limits)