expectations of the vessel

Last night I sat under a clear sky, on a warm autumn night ... with friends, music and God right there.

We met so many homeless and others who were obviously a "little-off" from typical societal interactions. I saw a man taken away in an ambulance from passing out in the middle of the sidewalk, alone. Who knows who he was, how he lived out his Saturday or what things he turns to for satisfaction in life? A friend helped this other "off" guy write music to a poem he had brought to us, sharing his sorrow in waking up after a night pursuing the bottle. What an intense opportunity to live out Christ and share music of Christ's freedom with him.

So, I just sat, late last night, on a cement fountain in a small park, with the stars shining brightly on us, the busyness of the cars all around the traffic circle, smells of coffee, alcohol and an autumn evening, thousands of people filling the streets, absorbed in my thoughts, with a warm cup of tea, tears forming in my eyes and attempting to sing with the boys:

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

The repetition of "here's my heart, Lord - take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above" rung in my ears. And I drifted into thoughts about what I am really doing with my days. Am I giving everything that I have solely for Christ? Am I living each moment in motivation for him, first? In my getting ready for the day, in my driving to work, in my checking the mail, in my conversations with friends, in my every small moment ... am I doing those things for Christ? Am I consulting Him in that continuously? Where would be days be if I was willing to fully do those things?

I admit, I was a little overwhelmed in this tornado of questions.

Being in a busy city makes the sin around us seem all the more prevalent, because of the greater amount of people all together in such a small space. I saw so many who just ... are NOT okay. They want to know what freedom looks like and they want to grasp it. Maybe they haven't recognized the emptiness we all feel when we are apart from God. They may not be seeking that out. But, what am I doing about that? Anything?

As we sang Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah, people walked by and stopped, some sat and just listened, watching the sky. They are yearning for the same things that I do. We ALL can only be satisfied at our core by God.


I was in a bible study last fall ... and one afternoon I was doing a home-assignment for it, and the writer wrote ... "Do you anguish for those who do not know the freedom of Christ?" It is a simple and somewhat formal question. And we all want to respond, "of course!"

He went on to write about empathy and compassion, and those waking up with physical needs or relational needs, or whatever else ... are often also waking up with the weight of all their sins on their heart. They do not know Christ and they are in anguish ... EVEN IF they look okay, EVEN IF they seem happy and prosperous intellectually and financially without Christ. I had to meditate in this for awhile the first day I read this. I remember sitting for hours, sketching:

"do i anguish?"

"they are not okay."

"do i anguish?"

"they are not okay."

... and drawing illustrations ... recognizing the state of humanity around me. And I began to realize my true outlook about everyone around me.

This is all intricately connected to my night last night. I am not complacent at this point in my life. I am moved by the grace and passion of Christ to do things in His name and pray for His power SO often. BUT, I am not fully and wholly surrendered in all areas of my life. And, honestly, I know there will be pieces of sin in me that I will unknowingly re-claim again and again until death. But, I am talking about the core of my surrender.

Am I in anguish continuously for those around me that are living in and under the bondage of sin? Do I really want to show them the freedom I have been shown? Am I doing that in every opportunity that is laid before me!?

Am I pursuing talents, gifts and skills that I have and that God could give me if I take time out of my day to grow them?

In Matthew 25:26-28 it says, "His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest. 'Take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags."

Am I taking responsibility for what has been given to me freely? Am I using those things (talents, gifts, skills) fervently for His glory? Am I willing to take ownership over these things?

The scripture above communicates clearly that we are accountable to the money God has blessed (and entrusted) us with ... and I believe the same applies to ours talents, gifts and skills.

We are accountable to those things.

Am I using them in the most powerful, Christ-like way that I can?

Honestly, no, I am not.

Am I lazy? Am I afraid? Am I prioritizing wrong? Am I selfish? Am I prideful?

"It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources and grace to overcome the fear of failure that the "wicked and lazy" servant gave into ... not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning." [cloud/townsend]


The tangible dream ... is to fully grasp the talents (and possibilities of additional ones) I have been given, to work at them, to let them flow through and out of me freely and to recognize the truth of the world and people around me ... opening my eyes to their needs, their true needs, and anguishing in that, even if they are not yet anguishing themselves.

I need this. And this IS what I want to be. He calls us to big things, huh?