my walls are hurting my head and my heart

I am in the process of coming to many conclusions about friendship. I don't form strong relationships with many people (people with whom I feel that we are completely invested in each others' lives) ... barely any. I believe it is because I don't accept the others' giving or affirmations as valid, sincere, or enough.

I haven't quite come to a place of complete understanding in it, but I am curious when I feel so bonded to some people in such a short amount of time or for such simple reasons. What is wrong with me?

There is a real reason why I cannot wait until Friday night when I can once again have the three friends together, that I just can't find a replacement for. Maybe I'm expecting perfection in friendships, or just too much of similarity to myself. Someone who is passionate about God, the world, social justice, education, grace and can have intellectual and perceptive conversations about situations and relationships around us. Is that asking too much?

It is wrong to hold people to my expectations. I really understand that. That is clearly expressed in scripture, that our thoughts are nothing compared to God's. God has put a clear vision on this world and His people to be unified, to love, to be selfless and to serve. But, what is it to be binded to someone closer than a brother? Can I choose those people? Because I feel like those three relationships are what I am straining for in all of my friendships, and I can't grasp it, no matter how far or how hard I reach.

I desire to feel understood and so often I feel so far from that in my friendships. I can sit and rest. But, I don't feel like I can unload, discuss, question and run with someone anymore.

Maybe it is because I am just looking for satisfaction too much in relationships rather than Christ. If I was fully contented in His presence and with His love, I wouldn't desire these things? I don't know about that ...

I think I'm just ungrateful and need to open my eyes to the blessings God has given me so freely, in even having others that love me so dearly.

I will seek.